My definition of Snarkyland

As you are complaining to support about a package that was never delivered, you step into SNARKYLAND. It’s a not-so-magical place we all go, on the regular!

On the phone with your bank, persistently until your issue is finally handled. Snarkyland.

We all HATE being there. We do NOT want to be there! And yet we must. At times, we all must. It’s a land of no-make believe, it’s all too real.

The item you returned for a refund, has been delivered, and yet…where is my refund? WHERE?

When you step into snarkyland, you have 2 choices.

#1 You SNARK with the best of them, perhaps yelling or typing in ALL CAPS with DOZENS of exclamation points, and perhaps in conclusion finally you say, “fuck this, fuck…THAT and FUCK YOU!“!!!!!!!! And you hang up. It’s the goto for many, and in fact, has been proven to be of some effectiveness in certain situations, if only to let off some steam and then go punish yourself for being an ass to a random sweet support person in Bangladesh. OH GAWD, did I REALLY just yell at GANESH??? What kind of MONSTER AM I?

#2 Nothing phases you, you are sweet and dandy, you are cool as a cucumber, you flex like the reed in the wind, you are unperturbed in the least. NOTHING bothers you or ever ever WILL because, you have SUPERSNARK POWERS of anti-snark with a huge helping of inner peace and tranquility. You are the ROCK OF GIBRALTER, the stone that the waves crash onto, and burst, and GO AROUND, but you remain SOLID. Ol reliable, stoic and stout, your position FIRMLY grounded in love and patience. Perhaps as you are speaking on the phone with support, a FLOWER magically pops out of the receiver on their end, and emits a fragrance of Jasmine and Lavendar. Your inner peace is never ever ever, in the least bit perturbed or at ALL effected by ANYTHING whatsoever in the viscerally vicious land of Snark.

Of the two, I prefer #2. I put on my magical Cape of Good Hope. My magical CAPE OF INNER PEACE. My magical CAPE OF GROOVINESS!

And I’m good. Nothing can bug me. Or as Marcus Aurelius once said, 1000’s of years before Amazon Shopping existed: “To shrug it all off, and wipe it clean. Every annoyance and distraction, and reach utter stillness. Child’s Play.”

It took some time to arrive there, and compose myself, but arrive I did. In the cape. Glowing like the wind.

It was July 13, 2000. My rototiller has been returned successfully, the return was en route to my bank account when just THEN…my ebay order for a gallon of Raw Slime arrived, broken and sticky in my mailbox. The entire mail box now reeking of SLIME, I got on the phone immediately with ebay support in Bombay…

“Hello, yes, this is so and so, calling from such and such, and I have a complaint, about my slime delivery!!”

“Yes, sir, how may we assist you?”

“My 5 gallon jar of organic…..raw Egyptian…. Saurkraut arrived today from Egypt and the bottle BROKE in my mailbox! The entire mailbox smells (badly) like KRAUT. It’s a kraut fest in there, my eyes are still watering, it was extra spicy Kraut actually, and now everything is STICKY and and…FUCK THIS! I’m really pissed, what the FUCK? what the FUCK? what the actual…….”

This ray of light suddenly burst through the clouds and shone down, upon me, standing with phone…my mouth AGAPE…mouth aimed at the device, spittle preparing for launch, preparing to FLY everywhere, particularly on the poor phone itself, suspended as it was, in direct line of fire…and I paused.

I paused to reflect. What am I even DOING? Why am I making this call? What is this FEELING? what is this? why do…how could…where is my…Who is…this person on the phone with me? Who am I? Why is my cat staring at me strangely?

I hung up the phone, slowly and gently. Ok, this is it. I’m done with stepping NAKED into snarklyland, mouth agape. I don’t ever want to be there again like that, no matter what life throws at me. I must have magical protection! I must find a magic CAPE to wear for such explorations into such a dreary land.

That’s it! I’ve had it with snarkyland! I am NOT going back without my groove on, ever. no matter WHAT may befall me. I will wear my magic cloak of grooviness everytime, from NOW on. Henseforth and hithertofor. NO matter what.

And henseforth, thereafter…I never stepped foot in snarkyland the same way again. I realized, that I would be making 1000’s of orders in the 21st century. It was increasing. My orders online were increasing and fast and this would never do for the long term. It was simply not sustainable spiritually and mentally and emotionally, and you know, I’m NOT actually a person with a temper generally, I’m really NOT a moody person or an asshole at all, but THIS un-magical land will MAKE ME INTO ONE if you don’t wear you magical cloak of grooviness. And I won’t enter the dark cavern of snarkyland without my cape again. My magic cloak of grooviness is ALWAYS there, right there on the PEG, beside my desk. It’s a very simple matter to simply slide into that cloak when it’s required.

And so that was it….or so I thought…

(to be continued)

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